Marriage retreat cultivates Christ-centered connection and communication

By Lindsey Carraway
Writing Specialist

Large pieces of paper covered the meeting room walls in sketches and love stories at the conclusion of the Mississippi Baptist African American Marriage Retreat. Each layer of pages started with the words “I love when my spouse…” followed by admiring statements such as, “prays for me,” “travels with me,” “sees me off to work,” “offers to help me,” and “tells me how proud she is of me.” 

The April 24-25 retreat at Lake Tiak-O’Khata was led by Brian Crawford, Lead Pastor of City Light Church, Vicksburg, and President of Mission Mississippi. He was joined by his wife, Candi, a Licensed Professional Counselor, National Certified Counselor, and PhD Candidate at Colorado Christian University.

Although the Crawfords often minister to other couples through such events, they emphasize their deepest experience comes from their own marriage and walk with Christ. After 23 years of marriage, the couple refers to themselves “not as the experts, but as fellow practitioners.”

“One of the reasons why marriage matters so deeply to us is because we have seen marriages crumbling all around us,” said Brian Crawford. “We have seen marriages crumbling openly and we have seen marriages crumbling very quietly to the point where you are just living together because you understand that to be the right thing to do.

“May it be said about the people in this room 20 years from now that the reason we live together is because we thrive together, we love one another, and we are growing more and more in love with each other every single day — that God is blessing us and flourishing us and that our children look up to our marriage and say, ‘I want my marriage to be like mom and dad’s.’ That’s our hope and that’s our prayer for this room, but it requires work in order for it to happen.”

From years of Bible study and content collected for conferences, the Crawfords composed a workbook titled “Reflect/Refresh: A Marriage Journey.” This retreat was the first time the workbook was utilized. The spiral book includes fill-in-the-blank notes, journaling exercises, group activities, commitment scorecards, and a post-journey link for accountability with other participants. The post-journey will assist participants in following through with their commitments for six months after the retreat.

“The whole purpose of this post-journey opportunity is to create accountability in this room and continue to sharpen one another and push one another on to greater works as it relates to our marriages,” affirmed Brian Crawford. 

Connecting Through Appreciation, Not Assumption

One activity required couples to privately compose a list of statements completing the prompt, “I love when my spouse…” Then, while other couples gathered around and observed, each spouse read their appreciative remarks as the other spouse wrote them on a large piece of paper taped to the wall. 

Participants commented that they assumed their spouse already knew their sentiments. Many statements, however, came as a welcome surprise. Others responded they were not aware their spouse noticed and appreciated their gestures. The activity highlighted the importance of connecting through open appreciation and admiration, no matter how seemingly obvious the feelings may be. 

Regarding the activity, Brian Crawford noted, “I gave you three minutes to make your list. I gave you two minutes each to share your list. In less than 10 minutes, you added something of value to your marriage. Don’t ever say you don’t have enough time to build your marriage.”

Connecting Through Attention and Intentionality

The couples were then directed to the subject of social media and its disruption to basic human connection. Social media — positive or not — is “a false sense of connection,” said Candi Crawford. No amount of it can satisfy the human need for sincere connection. Couples considered how to reclaim connection and communication in a busy, distracting world. 

“When we talk about time management, there’s a fallacy,” said Candi Crawford. “There is no such thing as time management. We only get 24 hours a day. It’s not time management, it’s self-management. What am I going to do with the 24 hours I get? We should be driven more toward the awareness that we have a self-management issue, not a time management one.”

The Crawfords exhorted the couples to be aware of how much time and attention they give to social media or the internet and to intentionally interact with and invest in their spouse. 

“Marriage is not intended to be the solution to connection,” said Brian Crawford, “but it is the most significant way that God has designed to meet our need for connection.”

“This connection God has given us is not sustained by feeling, but by promise,” he affirmed. “It is the promise that calls you back to the work of connection day after day… Marriage is built on two people who are fully committed to walking in that promise, and when they walk in that promise, they have a powerful impact in the world.” 

Response to “Reflect/Refresh”

One couple that attended the retreat — Telsa and Tamirra DeBerry — have been married for almost 33 years. Telsa, Pastor of Opulent Life Church in Holly Springs, and Tamirra, Executive Director of the church’s childcare center, commended the event as truly refreshing. 

“The booklet is going to really help with our communication,” said Tamirra DeBerry. “As we apply all that we’ve learned, it’s just going to make our connection that much sweeter.” 

Telsa DeBerry commented on the benefits the booklet offers through multiple learning styles, such as hands-on activities and journaling. “It engages different parts of the brain and helps you internalize the message better.”

The DeBerrys shared that many people were cynical of their affection at the start of their marriage and claimed that the connection would fade. 

“The honeymoon phase has lasted as long as we have invested in it,” Telsa DeBerry confirmed. “Lately we have gotten too busy in ministry, so this retreat has been a refresher. To those people who said it wouldn’t last, it’s still there. It doesn’t have to go away, it doesn’t have to fade, but you do have to make an investment.”