Editor’s note: October is Pastor Appreciation Month.
By Richard Ross
While I was still in diapers, I became a preacher’s kid. But, even though I loved growing up in a pastor’s home, there are things church members could have done to make the journey better. Perhaps my experiences and insights will help churches do better today. If you are a pastor with children at home, consider forwarding this note to trusted church members. And, if you are a church member with a kingdom heart, read on to discover how you can bless the children of your pastor.
Pray for PKs and their families
You have a prayer routine you use most mornings. Right now, consider how you will adjust that routine to pray for PKs and their families. Without a clear plan, such prayers may not happen.
Pray each child meets Jesus, increasingly adores and becomes like Him, and follows Him for a lifetime. Pray that they find their identity in Christ alone, apart from their dad’s position.
Churches can bless, but they can also hurt. Pray that the Spirit will protect children from harm.
Pray that the love and relationships in the pastor’s family will lead to joyful children who, by the Spirit, change the world.
Tell PKs about your love for King Jesus
Some church members are just “good old Baptists.” They have little joy and little passion for the Kingdom. But if your eyes light up when you talk to PKs about Jesus, that touches their hearts. Your zeal reminds children that “Jesus is using my dad to make a difference in people’s lives.”
PKs know their families make sacrifices. But the depth of your faith provides living proof that those sacrifices are worth it. PKs enjoy conversations on all kinds of topics, but make sure you sprinkle those conversations with Jesus.
Welcome PKs’ questions and honest doubts
Most teenage PKs doubt their faith at times. If their teachers gasp in horror when they ask questions, these kids will assume they do not have permission to express those doubts.
According to David Kinnaman, many church teenagers report, “I’m not allowed to talk about my doubts in church.” In such a toxic environment, doubts can fester, and faith can grow cold.
Research shows that those who feel most free to express doubts and questions to leaders have greater lifetime faith. You can help ensure church leaders know that.
Respect the individuality of PKs
Some PKs in class want to answer most of the questions. Some prefer to listen. Some want to lead, and some want to follow. Some embrace the faith easily, while others grow through questioning. Some become role models, and some don’t.
When they are eight, PKs are not necessarily missionaries-in-waiting. They are unique children on unique paths. When they are teenagers, they may volunteer for everything, or they may not.
Bottom line: view each pastor’s child as a unique individual. Keep your expectations no lower or higher than those for other children in the church. Discover and celebrate each child’s personality and interests. The older they become, the more grateful they will be for your seeing them for who they are.
Celebrate each PK
Respecting the individuality of each PK should lead to celebrating their uniqueness. That may require a little homework. Find out about their interests, gifts, and talents. Discover what accomplishments at school or in the community are important to them.
Once you know what is important to them, make a point of celebrating those things. Teenagers, especially, will appreciate getting props for something other than being a PK.
Sadly, some church members like to tell PKs when they do not measure up. Sincere praise and affirmation from you can help balance the scales.
Some church adults neglect PKs only because they assume those children and teenagers are getting all the attention they need. That may not be the case.
Some adults shy away from PKs because they assume those children are getting all the spiritual leadership they need at home. But even if that is true, all young people need adults outside their family who encourage them and represent Christ in their lives.
Bless PKs by ensuring their dads have time for them
One of the most loving things you can do for PKs is help ensure their dads have time to be their dads. Children with warm heart connections with their dads tend to walk in faith for a lifetime. Children who grow up neglected by their dads often do not.
Check to ensure that church policies or HR documents define days off, free evenings, and vacation days. Consider whether those policies are conducive to a balanced life and family health.
Once policies are in place, consider how to communicate them to church members. Church members need to hear the policies, and they need clear directions not to ask the pastor to work during time off, unless there is an extreme emergency. (I have sad memories of my dad leaving our family during vacation to return to conduct a funeral).
You can also hold your pastor accountable to balance work and family. Your words can remind them to put family first. You can gently ask if the pastor is taking days off and if his family vacations are uninterrupted. You can also ask if his family seems to need more of his time at present. The Spirit can work through your conversations to help the pastor move toward balance and well-aligned priorities.
Shield PKs from church conflict
This is an important matter. After high school, many PKs have walked away from the church. Having seen church members at their worst, they decide they do not want to remain a part of the body.
During a church conflict, you can take the lead in shielding the PKs from behavior that may harm them emotionally and spiritually. You can challenge church members to keep stressful conversations among adults.
Even more importantly, you can shield PKs from toxic adults who want to draw the children into the conflict itself. Members should never make rude or judgmental statements about the pastor to the children. Members should never ask children to take home negative comments to their parents. Members should never seek to spy on the pastor by getting details from PKs.
Church leaders need to confront adults who are harming PKs during church conflict. Consistent with Matthew 18:15-17, elders or other leaders should be willing to exercise church discipline. The spiritual future of PKs could be at stake.
Help PKs enjoy their long hours at church
Whether they are infants, children, or teenagers, PKs often spend longer hours at the church than their peers. You can help make those hours a positive time. You can help a stressed mother with an infant, play a game with a child, or talk about life with a teenager.
The first step is to show delight when you see a PK. Then add, “I love coming to church for many reasons. Getting to spend time with you is one of my very best reasons.”
Share concerns about PKs with grace
When you have a concern about a PK, it is generally more loving to share it with a parent than to stay silent. At the same time, seek to make that sharing positive and constructive, rather than a source of pain and stress.
Arrange a time for a private, unhurried conversation with the parents. They will appreciate not being blindsided in a hallway on Sunday morning.
Begin by reminding your pastor and his spouse how much you love and respect them and each of their children. And remind them that genuine love is the only reason for having the conversation.
As you share your concern about one of their children, avoid suggesting that PKs should be held to some higher standard than other children. For example: “Granted, it might be OK for other children in the church to ______, but I do not think the pastor’s children should do such a thing.”
Also, assure parents that you are sharing this concern only with them and not with other church members. Promise to pray for their family and to provide practical support with the PK as they see fit.
We need PKs to become young adults who adore Jesus, love the church, and pursue the Great Commission. That is far more likely if you love, respect, encourage and enjoy them while they are young.
This article originally appeared at Equip the Called.
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